Patient self-control. Restraint.  It’s often externalized to focus on one’s relationship with others, but here I want to focus on one’s relationship with oneself. Our relationship with ourselves is confusing and a possibly unhelpful metaphor. But the point I want to drive home is that we need forbearance for making decisions that pull us in every way, and it needs to go beyond just being disciplined.

Forbearance is closely related to temperance. One of the classical virtues (the others being prudence, justice, and fortitude).  It looks at abstinence or moderation. We need to withdraw and reframe from certain activities, and it’s important to discern what exactly to avoid and for what reasons. Take fidelity to purity as an example, primarily, avoiding lust. It can seem primal and morph our very reasoning or decision-making faculties. Youth and hormones can be very powerful. We might think we have a right to act on it. That it’s natural and how the body ought to function. The countless rationalizations to act in one way to tip the scales. It takes a special kind of patience and discernment to decide to pull back on our desires.

Self-control is something that I struggle with. I grew up in a generation of distraction and easy fixes. Technology constantly wears down and trains distraction. It’s important to stay focused in order to stay self-controlled. Being self-controlled is something like a muscle. It takes a lot of practice to exercise this level of discipline. Little by little, the smaller decisions put us on the right track to make better bigger decisions. That’s why it’s important to exercise forbearance in even the little decisions and be wary of it. A kind of mind-muscle connection, but a mind-virtue connection. Like a mind-muscle connection, we can be extra mindful of a certain experience and focus on how our mind is affecting virtues just as we might focus on how the mind is affecting our muscles. The analogy is useful because we build our souls and virtues through small acts. The action of repetitions of lifting can strengthen muscles. Acting virtuously can similarly strengthen our souls. We have to practice our virtues.  Age is not a good indicator. We need to regulate every part of ourselves. We do have limits and our self-control can be depleted. We also have our will and have a part in regulating our own actions. This free will cut directly into what makes us human. It’s a profound question of who we are yet it can be as trivial as grabbing a marshmallow when we shouldn’t.

We need more than mental fortitude to endure the trials of life, but we can’t do it by ourselves. We need God. In fact, the less we rely on ourselves, the easier it gets. It’s easy to get overwhelmed. When we do, we have to rely on God; it’s not about digging deeper within ourselves, it’s about letting go and trusting God. Through prayer and meditation on God’s presence. Through the Lord’s perspective, we can work with joy and trust that it pleases our Father. There will be things we must endure—this is an inevitability. We should embrace the discomfort as a good. An opportunity to grow, like a baby learning to walk. I can think of no better metaphor for endurance than a marathon runner. The pain is clear. The goal is clear. It takes mental fortitude to keep pressing on when your body is in pain. But when the pain isn’t physical, and the pain is mental, it becomes strangely different and difficult. The barriers in our minds seem unbreakable.

It is important to identify the times of endurance. A transition into something better. It helps us rely that much more on God. The cycle of life rarely has us enduring pain all the time. There a periods of pain and periods of rest, and our Lord promised us no burden that we cannot overcome. Like a wise coach, we will never have more weight than we can handle. We will receive just enough to grow. With God, we are in a safe environment. We can grow in endurance–mentally, spiritually, and physically. We forget the mental and spiritual, and I have a hunch that they’re just as intimately linked as the mind and the body; the same goes for the body and the spirit. The mind can grow in discipline and focus, and this can translate into spiritual virtues of increased patience and love. Caring for our body can make it easier to be more loving and patient, just as exercise can be good for the body.

There is a Korean word that’s difficult to translate: “Han.” It’s a feeling of internalized sorrow or resentment, and it goes hand-in-hand with longsuffering. Patience in spite of troubles. It’s difficult to endure the discomfort. Especially if you feel some sort of entitlement from being comfortable for a long time. This is why a tough life can be good. This is why it’s difficult for a rich man to pass through the gates of heaven. We can only walk into the fire. Without being melodramatic, the crucible shapes us and changes us into something stronger. Suffering doesn’t necessarily lead to something better. But it’s so often that the road to growth is a rough road. We are unworthy servants. We have only done our duty. We aren’t entitled to comfort and every second of comfort is a blessing. We need to shift our attitude to that of a servant: humility. We are unworthy of even the work we are entrusted with, so we should be grateful for the opportunity to do this work. Courage through tough times or discomfort. It’s a part of faith. By trusting in God fully, we have no backup plan. We go forward into the valley of the shadow of death having faith that God will be with us. How trivial is everything compared to that? Our daily trials are meager in comparison.

Still, it’s all about reference points. A splinter can be incredibly painful and the end of the world for a child, yet a warrior faces a spear to the side without fear. We need to grow, but God is patient with us. He will not give us more than we can handle. We must be deliberate in our courage and why we have courage. The tough times and pain are a part of life, but it’s also a part of God’s will. We have courage in God. It’s an act of faith to have courage. The courage to be. We should have fortitude through our desire to be with Christ yet also serve his people. We must have courage through all the pain and adversity of life. We must be brave despite inflictions. It can be what makes Christians the strongest breed.

I can’t figure out the relationship between psychology and virtue, especially with respect to responsibility. What is really within our control that we should be responsible for? The addict might have little self-control, but discrete decisions within their control led them there. Fortunately, we don’t have to figure out this mystery to keep trying our best to build our self-control. The effort and striving are effort. The father is pleased with the effort despite whatever natural limits we might have. We need strength greater than us. We need God. He gives us more power and control, and we need to exercise self-control to serve him. We must give up control. Give it all up to God. For true freedom, we need to give up control.